How Men Are Hurt By The Patriarchy
I have talked and preached over the last 5 years how the Patriarchy in the Chruch and outside of it hurts women. From purity culture telling girls & women to cover up their bodies to help men control their lust that the sight of a midriff might ensure to politicians making policies about women’s reproductive rights that limit lifesaving healthcare. Patriarchy infringes on the rights of some and gives power to others but it certainly hurts us all.
Let’s break it down: patriarchy is a social, political, and economic system in which men hold primary power and dominate in roles of leadership, authority, moral authority, social privilege, and control over property. In patriarchal societies, men are typically afforded greater opportunities and influence than women, and gender roles are often rigidly defined, with men occupying public spheres of power while women are relegated to private or domestic spheres.
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Key characteristics of patriarchy include:
Male Dominance: Men disproportionately control institutions and decision-making processes, including government, business, religion, and family.
Gender Inequality: Men have more rights, privileges, and access to resources than women and are often viewed as the "norm" in society, while women are seen as secondary or subordinate.
Rigid Gender Roles: Patriarchy enforces strict expectations for how men and women should behave, often limiting men to roles of power and authority while confining women to caregiving, homemaking, or supportive roles.
Oppression of Women and Marginalized Genders: Patriarchy often perpetuates discrimination, violence, and systemic inequality against women and other gender minorities, reinforcing male superiority.
In essence, patriarchy is a hierarchical structure that privileges men over women, creating an imbalance of power and limiting both genders from fully realizing their potential by enforcing traditional gender roles.
It may not always be as obvious but men are also harmed by the patriarchy. Patriarchy creates rigid and limiting expectations for men, which can lead to emotional and psychological harm. Many studies have explored patriarchy and its effects on society, gender relations, and individual well-being. Research across various fields—including sociology, psychology, anthropology, and gender studies—examines how patriarchal systems influence gender inequality, mental health, violence, economic disparity, and social structures.
Here are some key ways men are affected:
1. Emotional Suppression:
Patriarchy teaches men that showing emotions, especially vulnerability, fear, or sadness, is a sign of weakness. This can lead to emotional repression, making it difficult for men to express or process their feelings, contributing to anxiety, depression, and even physical health problems. I see this first hand in my work with men and couples. We have done a deserves to boys and men by not teaching them that they can feel all their emotions. Boys can and should cry.
2. Pressure to Conform to Toxic Masculinity:
Men are often expected to embody toxic masculine traits like dominance, aggression, and invulnerability. These expectations can alienate men from their authentic selves and create harmful dynamics in their relationships. They may feel pressure to appear "strong" and "in control" at all times, leading to internal conflict and stress.
3. Lack of Emotional Intimacy:
Because emotional vulnerability is discouraged, many men struggle to form deep, emotionally intimate relationships. Friendships with other men often remain shallow, while romantic relationships may suffer from a lack of emotional sharing. This isolation can contribute to feelings of loneliness and disconnectedness. I believe this to be the reason why there is a loneliness epidemic among men. I also believe this to be a huge factor in the dissolution of dating these days. My instagram newsfeed is still beaming over Adam Brody’s character on the viral Netflix show, “Nobody Want’s This.” Brody’s character Noah is a young but middle-ageish Rabbi who is emotionally available, soft, and tender man who openly expresses his feelings and provides emotional security, which disarms his love interest Joanne, who is fearful of intimacy and vulnerability. Noah’s ability to be accountable, even for mistakes he hasn’t made, and to reassure Joanne during moments of doubt and fear, is a key dynamic that drives their relationship. The lesson Noah's character offers is the importance of being a supportive, emotionally present partner—a quality that often wins out over superficial traits like status or power.
4. Provider Pressure:
Patriarchy places a heavy burden on men to be the primary breadwinners and providers for their families. This expectation can lead to stress, overwork, and burnout, especially in an economic environment where the sole breadwinner model is increasingly unrealistic. In my opinion it’s a finical privilege to have one income that supports an entire family and to assume that women should be the ones to attend to the domestic duties is unrealistic and puts undue pressure on men to keep up with a society that expects them to shoulder a burden that is far to heavy to bare alone. Conversely, if a wife makes more than her husband this often puts excessive stress on the relationship to somehow fight against societal emasculation while also making ends meet.
5. Harmful Gender Roles:
Rigid gender roles not only limit women but also prevent men from exploring roles outside of traditional masculine norms. Men may feel judged or stigmatized if they choose careers or activities deemed "feminine," such as caregiving or nursing. This reduces their freedom to fully explore their interests and capabilities. For example my husband loves to cook and is far better at it than I. He makes diner almost every night for our family and it works for us. However I mentally beat myself up for years thinking I should be the one to make our family nutritious meals. When we set this gender norm down we’re able to see what is best for our family is for me to let my husband shine in his cooking and to let me children see a man providing for his family in this way. Because of my husband, Sam, our 2 boys ages 12 and 9 know how to source food from the grocery store to make heuvos rancheros, avocado toast, Japanese rice bowls, carne asada burritos, and a really good latte (I take credit for that last one). Our 9 year old affectionately nicknamed him Gordon Samsie.
PS. Sam is breaking gender norms as a “Primal Questions” Coach, 20 year home builder and equally involved parent. You can learn more about this work here.
6. Mental Health Stigma:
Patriarchal ideals discourage men from seeking help for mental health issues, as asking for help is seen as a weakness. This results in many men suffering in silence, often leading to severe mental health challenges like depression or suicide, which statistically affects men at higher rates. The American Psychological Association revealed in a 2021 study indicated that 28% of men had received mental health treatment in the previous year, compared to 42% of women. On average, women account for 60-70% of therapy clients, while men make up 30-40%. These numbers highlight a significant gender gap in mental health help-seeking behavior. I can’t help but believe this stigma around men seeking therapy and having access to their emotions is part of the reason they are about 3 to 4 times more likely to die by suicide than women. I love following my friend and fellow trauma informed therapist Travis Goodman on Instagram as he shares about “The Integrated Man Project” and de-stigmatizes therapy for men. Click here to listen to a podcast episode of Travis and my partner Sam talking about therapy, codependency and emotional intelligence.
7. Violence and Aggression:
Patriarchy normalizes violence as part of "being a man." Men are often socialized to resolve conflicts through aggression, which can lead to violent behaviors, a higher likelihood of being both victims and perpetrators of violence, and difficulty managing anger in healthy ways.
8. Disconnection from Fatherhood:
In a patriarchal society, men are often discouraged from being fully involved in caregiving roles, including parenting. This can deprive men of the emotional rewards of being deeply involved fathers and contribute to the perception that caregiving is primarily a woman's responsibility, limiting men's connection to their children. This alone creates attachment wounds within themselves and their children perpetuating generation trauma.
9. Sexual Pressure and Performance:
Men are often expected to be sexually dominant and perform in ways that affirm their masculinity. This can lead to anxiety around sexual performance and a disconnect from genuine emotional and physical intimacy.
10. Higher Rates of Risk-Taking:
Men, under patriarchal influence, are more likely to engage in risk-taking behaviors (e.g., reckless driving, substance abuse) as a way of proving their masculinity. This can result in higher rates of accidents, injuries, and early mortality among men.
11. Narrow Definitions of Success:
Patriarchy equates a man’s worth with his economic status, career success, and ability to accumulate power. Men who don't meet these narrow definitions of success may experience shame or feel like failures, even if they find fulfillment in non-traditional roles.
In summary, while patriarchy privileges men in many ways, it also deeply harms them by enforcing unhealthy emotional patterns, limiting their self-expression, and constraining their life choices. A more egalitarian society benefits men by allowing them to live more authentic, emotionally connected, and fulfilling lives that would benefit the planet as a whole. Let’s help men feel safe to feel all their emotions.
If you are in need of someone to talk to please reach out to me or my associate Kelli Redfield for therapy and or referrals. We’re here to help and we want to honor your story.
Key Publications and Resources:
"The Second Sex" by Simone de Beauvoir: A foundational text in feminist theory that critiques how patriarchal societies define women as "the Other."
“Feminist Theory: From Margin to Center" by bell hooks: Explores how patriarchy intersects with race and class to affect different groups of women and men.
"The Will to Change: Men, Masculinity, and Love" by bell hooks: Discusses how patriarchal systems harm men by limiting their emotional lives.
UN Women and World Health Organization (WHO) reports on gender-based violence, wage gaps, and women's representation in leadership roles.
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With hope and healing,
Chrissy
